Why Am I So Angry? What Anger Is Often Doing

Anger is the emotion many men are allowed to have, which is part of why it takes up so much room. It is acceptable, it is quick, and it gets things moving. It also hides almost everything else.

Men who come to talk about anger rarely describe themselves as angry people. They describe a moment. A raised voice at the kitchen table. A door slammed. A message sent that cannot be unsent. Then a long, quiet shame afterwards, and a promise to do better that does not hold.

When I look at anger with someone, I am curious about what it is protecting. Often it sits on top of hurt, fear or a feeling of being disrespected or unseen. It arrives so fast that the softer feeling underneath never gets a look in. By the time you notice it, you are already shouting.

It can help to think of anger as information rather than a verdict. It tells you that something mattered, or that a line has been crossed, or that an old wound has been touched. Sometimes the present situation really does call for anger. Sometimes the size of the reaction belongs partly to an earlier time, to a man who had no safe way of showing he was frightened.

This is not an excuse. Understanding where anger comes from does not remove responsibility for what you do with it. In fact, it usually makes it easier to take responsibility, because you start to see the moment before the moment, the point where you could still choose.

If your anger is frightening people close to you, or frightening you, that is reason enough to talk to someone. It does not mean something is wrong with you at the core. It means something has been carried for a long time without anywhere to put it.

Inner Warrior Therapy offers psychotherapy for men in Falmouth, Cornwall and online across the UK. If you would like to talk about working together, you are welcome to send an enquiry. To read more about how I work with anger, see Anger and Men.