Anger and Men

Therapy for Anger in Men in Falmouth, Cornwall

Anger is rarely the whole story

When men tell me they have an anger problem, they usually mean they have done or said something they regret. A door slammed, a voice raised at a child, a partner gone quiet in a way that frightens them. They are often ashamed, and a little desperate to be told how to stop.

I take the anger seriously. It affects people, and it matters that it is addressed. I also take it as a message. In my experience, anger is often the one feeling a man has been permitted to show, so other feelings travel through it. Hurt becomes rage. Fear becomes control. Sadness becomes a short fuse. The anger is real, and it is also standing in front of something that feels too exposed to show.

What sits underneath

There is rarely a single answer. For some men it is shame, a sudden sense of being small, dismissed or found wanting. For some it is exhaustion that has had nowhere to go. For some it is an old protective response from a boyhood where anger was either the only language in the house or the one thing that was never allowed. In Transactional Analysis we would say that the present moment has been taken over by something from the past, and the work is to notice that happening and to give it somewhere to go.

I do not treat anger as something to be removed. I am interested in what it is guarding, what it is asking for, and what it costs you and the people around you to keep it going.

What working together looks like

We start by getting to know the pattern. When it shows up, what happens just before, what it feels like in your body, what you tell yourself afterwards. We build understanding without judgement, because shame tends to make anger worse and not better. Then we turn towards what has been underneath, and slowly, a wider range of feeling becomes available. Many men tell me that is the point at which they stop being afraid of themselves.

This is not anger management in the sense of a short course of techniques. It is longer, quieter work, and it works with the person and not only the behaviour. If someone is being harmed, or at risk of being harmed, by your anger now, please say so in your first contact, because that changes what is needed.

My article Shame and Suicide in the Knowledge Library looks at how shame drives behaviour, including anger. It is a difficult read, and it is there if you want it.

Practicalities

I see men individually, in person at The Wellness Hub in Falmouth, and online across the UK. Sessions are weekly and last 50 minutes. Fees and the consultation process are on the Work With Me page. If you are not sure whether this is for you, the first step is a 30 minute consultation, with no obligation to continue.

By Carl Stephens, Transactional Analysis Psychotherapist, Falmouth, Cornwall. NCPS Accredited. UKCP Trainee Member.