Shame and Men

Therapy for Shame in Men in Falmouth, Cornwall

The feeling most men never name

Shame is not usually what a man says when he first sits down. He says he is stressed, or stuck, or that things at home are difficult. Shame sits underneath, and it has usually been there so long that it feels like a fact about who he is and not a feeling at all.

It is the sense of being not enough, too much, or fundamentally wrong. It can attach to money, to work, to sex, to a body, to something that happened, or to nothing in particular. Because it hurts so much, men are very inventive in avoiding it. Staying busy. Winning. Withdrawing. Getting angry. Looking after everyone else. Having a drink. None of these are foolish. They are what a person does to avoid a feeling that seems unbearable.

How shame is made

Shame grows in relationship. A child who is mocked for crying, ignored when frightened or praised only for achieving can conclude that something about him is unacceptable. That conclusion goes underground. Years later a small trigger, a tone of voice, a mistake at work, a look from a partner, can bring the old feeling back with full force and no obvious explanation.

This is why I think shame is best met in relationship too. It is hard to talk about shame in the abstract. It is easier to meet it in a room where someone stays steady, is not shocked and is not rushing to reassure.

What I do

I listen for where shame is shaping what you do and what you avoid. I do not push you to disclose before you are ready. Over time, we make it possible to say the unsayable and to notice what happens when it is received and not rejected. Often that is the beginning of loosening shame's hold. It rarely disappears. It becomes something you can carry differently, with more room around it.

I have written about shame and suicide risk in men in my article Shame and Suicide, in the Knowledge Library. It is a serious piece, and I would ask that you read it with care. If you are having thoughts of ending your life, please do not wait for therapy to begin. Contact Samaritans on 116 123, free at any time, call NHS 111, or call 999 if you are in immediate danger.

Practicalities

I see men individually, in person at The Wellness Hub in Falmouth, and online across the UK. Sessions are weekly and last 50 minutes. Fees and the consultation process are on the Work With Me page. If you are not sure whether this is for you, the first step is a 30 minute consultation, with no obligation to continue.

By Carl Stephens, Transactional Analysis Psychotherapist, Falmouth, Cornwall. NCPS Accredited. UKCP Trainee Member.