When a man you love will not talk

If you are worried about a man in your life

You may be reading this because you are worried about someone. A partner who has gone quiet, a father who has never said how he really is, a son who seems to be coping a little too well. You have probably tried talking to him already. You may be tired, frightened or angry, and all of those are understandable.

What you may be noticing

Men who are struggling do not always look as though they are. He may work longer hours, drink more, or become short tempered. He may say he is fine and mean it as a way of closing the conversation. He may turn everything into a joke. Some men go quiet and some become busier. Often the people closest to him notice the change before he does.

I have written about the way humour can protect a man from what he feels in The half open door.

Why asking for help is hard

Many of the men I see learned early that being capable was how they kept their place with other people. Needing help can feel like failing at something he has spent years getting right. Therapy can sound like an admission, or like being told he is the problem. This is rarely stubbornness. It is usually a skill that once protected him and is now costing him. I write about this in The cost of self sufficiency.

What tends not to help

Ultimatums, repeated pressure and booking an appointment on his behalf usually harden the resistance. So does telling him what is wrong with him. Therapy works best when he chooses it, and a man who has been pushed into the room usually knows it.

What can help

Choose a quiet moment, not the middle of an argument. Say what you have noticed and how it affects you, rather than asking him to explain himself. "I have noticed you seem far away lately and I miss you" is easier to hear than "You never talk to me". Offer rather than insist. Tell him that a first conversation with a therapist is only a conversation, with no commitment attached, and leave the decision with him. If he is not ready, you can tell him the door stays open, and mean it.

If he does get in touch

He would contact me himself, by email or through the website. A brief description of what has brought him is enough. I aim to respond within two working days, and we arrange a 30 minute initial consultation by telephone. It is a chance for both of us to decide whether working together feels right, and it is not a commitment to therapy. If we continue, we arrange a regular weekly session.

If you contact me on his behalf, I will ask him to get in touch with me himself. I work with him, and what he chooses to share with you is his decision.

You matter too

Living alongside a man who is struggling can be tiring, and you are entitled to support of your own. That might be a friend, your GP, or a therapist of your own. If it is the relationship itself you want to look at, I also see couples, in sessions of 60 minutes. In that case I would contact you both, and ask each of you for your consent and to confirm that you want to work together.

If you are worried about his safety

If you think he may be at risk of harming himself, do not wait for him to ask. Contact his GP, call Samaritans on 116 123 at any time, or call 999 in an emergency.