Fatherhood and Therapy

Fatherhood and Therapy for Men in Falmouth, Cornwall

When a child arrives, so does something else

Many men come to me within a few years of becoming a father. Often they do not put it that way. They say they are more irritable than they used to be, or that they feel flat when they expected to feel full. They say they love their child and are frightened by how little patience they have. Some say very little, and it is their partner who has suggested they speak to someone.

What I notice, again and again, is that the child in front of them has woken up the child they once were. The tiredness, the noise, the neediness of a small person can touch something that was never given room when they were small themselves. A man who learned early to manage on his own, to not make a fuss, to be useful rather than needy, can find that a crying baby reaches a part of him that has been quiet for decades.

This is not a failing. It is one of the most ordinary ways that the past arrives in the present, and fatherhood is one of the places it arrives most loudly.

What I hear men describe

A sudden flash of anger at something small. A sense of being on the outside of the relationship between mother and baby. Pressure to provide, to hold everything together and to look as though it is all fine. Grief for a father who was absent, or present but out of reach. Fear of becoming that same father, or of becoming nothing like him and having no model to turn to. A quiet shame about not feeling what he thinks he should feel.

Men rarely bring these things to anyone. There is not much of a culture for it. Fathers are expected to cope and to be steady, and many have spent their whole lives getting very good at exactly that.

How I work with this

I practise relational Transactional Analysis. In plain terms, I am interested in the story your early relationships taught you about what is safe, what is wanted and what is too much, and in how that story is playing out now, including in the room with me. I do not hand out parenting techniques, and I do not tell you what kind of father to be. We slow down and pay attention to what is being touched in you.

Sometimes that means making sense of the anger, so that it becomes information rather than something to be ashamed of. Sometimes it means mourning something. Often it means that, for the first time, you have someone alongside you who is not asking you to be strong. Over time, men tell me they find more room in themselves for their children, because there is more room for themselves.

I have written about this in more depth. My paper, Meeting the Self Through the Child: Fatherhood and the Emergence of the Hidden Child, explores how becoming a father can bring a man face to face with the child he once was. For a shorter introduction, my article Holding the Baby, Meeting Yourself is in the Knowledge Library.

Practicalities

I see men individually, in person at The Wellness Hub in Falmouth, and online across the UK. Sessions are weekly and last 50 minutes. Fees and the consultation process are on the Working With Me page. If you are not sure whether this is for you, the first step is a 30 minute consultation, with no obligation to continue.

By Carl Stephens, Transactional Analysis Psychotherapist, Falmouth, Cornwall. NCPS Accredited. UKCP Trainee Member.