Becoming a Father and Losing Your Footing
Nobody warns men that a baby can unsettle them as much as it delights them. The conversation around birth is about the mother and the child, and that is right. But the man standing in the room is also changing, and he is often expected to hold everything steady while it happens.
A lot of new fathers say the same thing in different words: I love my child, so why do I feel like this? The feeling might be anxiety that does not switch off, or irritability, or a numbness that frightens them. It might be a sense of being on the outside of something. It might be pressure about money and work arriving all at once, with no space to say that it is too much.
Becoming a father also wakes up the man you were as a boy. How you were fathered, or how you were not, comes into the room whether you invite it or not. Some men find themselves repeating things they swore they never would. Others discover a tenderness they did not know they had and feel unsure what to do with it. Both responses carry history.
There is a relational side too. The couple you were before the baby has become a different system, and many men feel the loss of it in silence. Closeness changes, sleep disappears, and the old ways of talking do not fit. It is common for each person to feel they are doing most of the work and not being seen for it.
Therapy for fathers is a place to say the things that do not have a home elsewhere. You do not have to be in crisis to come. You might want to understand why you react the way you do with your children, or how to be the father you want to be without carrying everything alone.
Some fathers experience low mood or anxiety after a birth that is more than ordinary tiredness. If you are struggling to cope, or having thoughts of harming yourself, please speak to your GP, or call Samaritans on 116 123 at any time.
Inner Warrior Therapy offers psychotherapy for men in Falmouth, Cornwall and online across the UK. If you would like to talk about working together, you are welcome to send an enquiry. To read more about how I work with new and expectant fathers, see Fatherhood and Therapy.
