The Manosphere and the Men I Meet in Therapy | Psychotherapy for Men
A psychotherapist (in Advanced Training) reflects on the Louis Theroux manosphere documentary, exploring masculinity, shame, economic pressure, and the difference between online narratives and the men seen in therapy.
Reflections on masculinity, shame, and modern pressures on men
The recent Louis Theroux documentary exploring the online “manosphere” presents a striking image of contemporary masculinity: confident influencers promoting dominance, success, and control as the path to becoming a man.
Yet as I watched the programme, I found myself thinking less about the men on screen and more about the men I meet in my psychotherapy practice. The contrast between these two worlds could hardly be greater. The narrative presented in the documentary felt very different from the men I encounter in my consulting room.
The programme introduces a community of influencers promoting strong and often provocative views about masculinity, relationships, and success. Yet as I watched, I found myself less convinced by the strength of the beliefs being expressed and more struck by something else: how financially rewarding those views appeared to be.
Many of the individuals featured seemed acutely aware that controversy attracts attention, and attention generates income. Their platforms depend on visibility, and visibility is often easiest to achieve through polarising ideas.
This left me wondering whether the views being expressed were deeply held convictions or whether they functioned partly as a profitable persona. If promoting healthy masculinity, cooperation, or equality generated more attention and revenue, I suspect some of these positions might look very different.
In that sense, what is often presented as a cultural movement about masculinity can sometimes look more like a product of online attention economies, where provocative or polarising ideas are rewarded with visibility and financial success. In such environments, extreme performances of masculinity can become highly profitable.
Cultural Expectations of Men
Watching the documentary also brought to mind the work of Seager (2010), who described a set of archetypal script messages about masculinity that appear repeatedly across cultures.
These messages suggest that men should be:
• Winners, defined by success and status
• Providers, responsible for financial security
• Masters of emotion, limiting displays of vulnerability
• Protectors, physically capable of defending others
These expectations are deeply embedded within society and reinforced by men and women alike.
The difficulty is that these ideals are unattainable for most men, at least consistently. As we move through life, our circumstances inevitably change. Health fluctuates, careers evolve, relationships shift, and economic conditions alter.
Yet the cultural expectation to remain successful, composed, and in control often persists.
When men feel they cannot meet these expectations, the emotional consequence is frequently shame.
In my therapy room I regularly meet men who feel they have failed these standards, even when they are thoughtful, responsible individuals doing their best for their families and the people around them.
Masculinity and Structural Change
To understand why movements like the manosphere gain attention, it is important to look at the broader structural context many men are living within.
Over the past few decades, significant economic and social changes have altered the landscape of adulthood. Housing has become dramatically less affordable for younger generations, wages have stagnated relative to living costs, and wealth inequality has increased.
At the same time, traditional expectations of men as financial providers have not entirely disappeared.
Many men therefore find themselves caught in a difficult position: cultural expectations remain high, while the structural conditions that once made those expectations achievable have changed.
If masculinity continues to be associated with winning and status, men living in an increasingly unequal economic system may feel they are constantly falling short of a benchmark that is becoming harder and harder to reach.
The result can be a painful psychological tension.
Many men internalise the belief that their value is tied to success, provision, and control. When structural conditions make those goals difficult to achieve, the conclusion is often not that the system has changed, but that they themselves have failed.
This is where shame begins to take hold.
Why Some Men Go Looking for Answers
In this context, it becomes understandable that some men go looking for explanations and solutions.
Feelings of frustration, confusion, and disorientation can emerge when the pathways to adulthood that previous generations followed, stable work, affordable housing, predictable social roles, no longer function in the same way.
Where the manosphere gains traction is in recognising this frustration and offering a narrative that appears to explain it.
However, the explanation it provides is often deeply misleading.
Rather than examining the structural pressures shaping men’s lives, the solutions offered tend to focus on individual transformation into a hyper-successful version of masculinity defined by wealth, dominance, and status. The men held up as models are typically drawn from an extremely small and exceptional group: the wealthiest and most visible influencers.
For most men, this is not a realistic pathway.
It is a performance of success that only a tiny fraction of people could ever replicate.
How Widespread Are These Beliefs?
Public discussion about the manosphere often highlights very real concerns about misogynistic ideas online. At the same time, research suggests the relationship between visibility and actual belief may be more complex than it first appears.
The research suggests something more complex.
Studies indicate that manosphere influencers are widely visible online. For example, research by the men’s mental-health charity Movember found that around 61% of young men in the UK have encountered or engaged with masculinity influencers online.
However, encountering content does not necessarily mean agreeing with it.
Polling about controversial figures often associated with the manosphere suggests that strong support tends to come from a minority. Some surveys have found that roughly one in five young men who are aware of figures such as Andrew Tate view them favourably, while other studies show that most boys and men report negative views.
This gap between visibility and actual endorsement may partly explain why the phenomenon can appear much larger in public debate than it may be in everyday life.
What Happened to These Men?
Another question stayed with me while watching the documentary.
Rather than asking “What is wrong with these men?”, I found myself wondering, as psychiatrist Bruce Perry famously asks, “What happened to them?”
Although the documentary offers limited information about their early lives, there were moments where the confident public persona seemed to flicker and something more vulnerable appeared beneath the surface.
In those moments I had the sense that these identities might be functioning as a form of psychological armour.
If a young boy grows up experiencing relationships as unsafe, unreliable, or humiliating, constructing a hardened identity organised around strength, status, and independence can be an understandable way of surviving.
In Transactional Analysis terms, what we might be seeing is a personality adaptation organised around protection.
The outward message becomes:
“I don’t care what you think of me.”
Yet beneath that message may sit a much older one:
“I cannot afford to be vulnerable again.”
Watching the documentary, I felt a quiet sadness. Not pity, but a human awareness that such a position must be deeply lonely.
Beyond the money and attention, I found myself wondering how much of themselves these men are able to bring into their relationships, and whether their emotional needs are ever truly met.
The Men I Meet in Therapy
The contrast between the documentary and the men I meet in therapy could not be greater.
If an alien observed our public discourse about masculinity, they might assume that large numbers of men spend their time attempting to dominate women or pursue extreme versions of success.
That is not the experience I have in the therapy room.
Instead, I meet men who are overwhelmed by the pressure to provide for their families. I meet fathers devastated by losing contact with their children. I meet men carrying enormous guilt after mistakes they deeply regret.
I see men trying to do better.
Many of them hold themselves to incredibly high standards. They want to be good partners, good fathers, good friends, and good people.
They are not looking to dominate anyone.
They are trying to understand themselves.
Masculinity as a Survival Strategy
From a Transactional Analysis perspective, many of the behaviours discussed in conversations about masculinity can also be understood as survival strategies.
Human beings adapt creatively to the environments they grow up in. When vulnerability feels dangerous, people learn to present strength. When care feels unreliable, independence becomes essential. When success is rewarded, identity may begin to form around achievement and control.
These adaptations are not signs of weakness. They are often intelligent responses to the conditions someone has lived within.
However, what begins as a survival strategy can later become restrictive.
The hardened identity that once protected someone may eventually prevent closeness, honesty, or emotional freedom.
Psychotherapy offers a space to gently examine these patterns, not to shame them or remove them, but to understand them.
And from that understanding, something important emerges: choice.
Holding the Bigger Picture
The conversation about masculinity is complex. It touches on culture, economics, identity, and relationships.
The manosphere may reflect some of the pressures men experience, but it does not represent the whole story of men today.
Behind every public narrative are countless individual lives.
As a psychotherapist, I try to hold both the macro and the micro.
The cultural forces shaping masculinity matter. But so does the story of each man sitting in front of me.
When we begin to ask what has shaped a man’s life, rather than simply judging the outcome, many things that once looked incomprehensible begin to make sense.
And from that understanding, change becomes possible.
Final Reflection
In my experience, the men who come to therapy are not searching for domination or superiority.
They are searching for clarity.
They want to understand themselves, to repair relationships, and to live in a way they can feel proud of.
For any man committed to becoming a better version of himself, not perfect, but honest, accountable, and human, my therapy door will always be open.
