Redecision, Impasses and Getting Unstuck
Breaking Repetitive Patterns with Transactional Analysis
A man can understand his pattern perfectly and still find himself back inside it by Friday.
Pushing people away. Struggling to ask for help. Reacting in ways that don’t quite make sense, even to you.
In my work with men, this is rarely about a lack of insight. Most men I see already know something isn’t working. The difficulty is that the pattern keeps reasserting itself, often at the point it matters most.
Transactional Analysis has a name for this kind of stuckness. It calls it an impasse.
I should be clear that I am not a redecision therapist. Redecision therapy, developed by Bob and Mary Goulding, is a particular method. My own work is relational, and it tends to move in stages rather than follow a technique.
It often begins with decontamination. This is the moment of realisation, when a man starts to see that what he knows now and what he once concluded about himself are not the same thing, and often never were.
That realisation tends to open the way to deconfusion, the deeper feelings stirred by seeing what happened, what he had to adapt to, and what it cost him.
When an impasse appears along the way, I work with it as something to understand rather than push through, bringing awareness to the nature of the stuckness and, sometimes, to what it is there to protect.
Out of that work, a man can arrive at a clear redecision about how he wants to live now. The rest of this piece explains the redecision idea, because it describes that point in the work well.
What is Redecision Therapy?
Redecision Therapy is based on a simple but significant idea:
Many of the ways you think, feel, and relate today were decided earlier in life, often outside of awareness.
As children, we make decisions to adapt to our environment. These are not random. They are intelligent responses to what was required at the time.
In TA, these decisions form part of your Script system.
You might recognise examples such as:
“I won’t rely on anyone.”
“I have to get this right.”
“My feelings don’t matter.”
At the time, these decisions made sense.
In adulthood, they often become restrictive.
Redecision work is not about analysing these from a distance.
It is about returning to where they were formed, and updating them from an Adult position.
Why Insight Alone Doesn’t Shift the Pattern
A common experience is:
“I understand why I do this, but I still do it.”
From a TA perspective, this is because:
Insight sits largely in the Adult
The pattern is held in the Child ego state
Until the Child is engaged, the Script remains intact.
This is the gap that work with the impasse addresses.
How the Work Develops
1. Identifying the Pattern in Real Time
We don’t start with theory.
We start with what happens.
Where do you withdraw?
Where do you overcompensate?
Where does something shift in you during contact with others?
These moments give us access to the underlying Script.
2. Locating the Original Decision
Over time, we begin to trace:
Where this pattern was learned
What it protected you from
What you had to decide to stay in relationship
This is not about blaming the past.
It is about understanding the logic of the adaptation.
3. Working with the Child Ego State
This is the part many approaches avoid.
In this part of the work, we engage with:
the emotional experience
the unmet need
the original decision point
This happens in the therapeutic relationship, not as an abstract exercise.
4. Making a New Decision
At a certain point, the work shifts.
You are no longer only understanding the pattern.
You are in a position to change it.
That might look like:
Allowing reliance where you previously withdrew
Expressing need where you would normally suppress it
Setting limits where you would previously comply
This is not forced.
It emerges when the original decision is no longer necessary.
5. Integrating the Change
New decisions need to hold under pressure.
We work with:
how the change shows up in relationships
where the old pattern attempts to reassert itself
how to maintain Adult awareness when it does
This is where change becomes stable rather than temporary.
Impasses and Men
Many of the men I work with have internalised messages such as:
Don’t feel
Don’t need anyone
Be strong regardless of cost
These are not just cultural ideas.
They become organising principles within the Script.
What often happens is:
emotional experience is reduced or contained
relationships become functional rather than connected
pressure is managed privately until it becomes unmanageable
Working with the impasse allows these patterns to be questioned, not intellectually, but structurally.
What This Work Requires
This is not a brief intervention.
It involves:
consistent, usually weekly sessions
willingness to stay with discomfort at times
openness to examining how you relate, not just what you think
It is not about becoming someone different.
It is about no longer being governed by decisions that are no longer relevant.
Working With Me
I work with men who:
Notice repeating patterns in relationships or behaviour
Feel driven by internal pressure or expectation
Struggle to access or express emotion
Want more autonomy in how they think, feel, and respond
The work is:
structured
relational
focused on change, not just insight
Next Step
I offer men’s psychotherapy in Falmouth, Cornwall and online across the UK.
If you want to:
understand the patterns you repeat
change how you respond under pressure
move beyond insight into action
You can get in touch:
Email: carl@innerwarriortherapy.co.uk
Carl Stephens
Founder, Inner Warrior Therapy
Men’s Psychotherapist
Falmouth, Cornwall and online across the UK
If you would like to talk about working together, you are welcome to send an enquiry.
